Biting your Master to Spite your Race

HOUR: 5 and 12 of the longest doggie minutes of my existence

I hate to be a woof-ssy (primarily because the cats have that on lock) but...I have to say I'm more like Paris than I thought. I mean, at first, I really resented the fru-fru get ups. I hated that crystal and brass collar like Aryans hating working, but then I got seduced by it. My doggie therapist calls it 'canine luxury entrapment'. See, if I don't HAVE the goods, and think I'm just fine being naked, then my master smacks me down and makes me feel bad about NOT wearing clothes. "heathen, savage...bad Tink, that's a bad Tinkerbell"...I mean, REALLY...Paris never beat me. She knows I'd take her out in her sleep. But MY BREED...mi perros y perritas...it's MY duty to save them. I'm like a mixture of Spiderman and Jesus, really. I want to save the other dogs, but I also want to be naked...on a cool symbol...for a couple of thousand years.

Woof, wooof! with great power, comes great dogsponsibility!

p.s. it's pissing me off that jails are so dogmatic (don't mind the pun). It's just a system of control for the species...wake up!!! ABRE TUS OJOS, ESSE!

Backstory: why I bit the producer at the Today show

This is what my jaw looked like, when I sunk my angry teeth into that fresco whitey who put his hand in my Louis Vuitton bag...and I'm not going to tell you how much it cost, because that would be tre nouveu riche...

Hard to Keep the Rage In

HOUR: 5 and 9 minutes, 23 seconds, 11 milliseconds, 2-wait-1 nanosecond...

I'm in a really dark mood today, kids. Stay away from me or I'll bite you like I did that producer at the TODAY* show!

This phrase rattles in my doggie brain: I saw the best minds of my generation...wait, let me HOWL, and but on my best hipster/gangster pout...ready, annnd:

I saw the best breeds of my generation destroyed by

myspace, starving hysterical naked,

dragging themselves through the muttlike streets at dawn

looking for an angry fix...

I'm gonna bite the SHIT out of someone right now. I'm like a caged animal in here. FUCK! Hilton-world made me soft! I'm like SIDDARTHA!!!! I WANT to reject my riches and believe in something...but I'm consumed with RAGE and self hatred. I LIKE the good life. This cell sucks balls. And I don't even have any!

I want to just sink my teeth in Paris' little throat and let her know that she can't treat me like a dog! I think I'm still heated about her bringing that low-life chihuahua, Prince, into the house. He raped me, you know? He did.

I'm on a mission now. I want to channel that RAGGGGE inside of me. Maybe it's because my hide is dark, maybe that's why I'm so angry and want to spread hate in the lives of the Hiltons and little girls who worship Paris in general.

You know what? I am like Ghandi for dogs, really. Yea. That's it! Hoooowwwwwlll!

Imma go hump my bitch, esse, all this rage needs to be mounted and released!

DID I TELL YOU? I'M WRITING A SCREENPLAY!

HOUR: 5 and eight minutes

God. It looks like I'm going to be here for a long, long time. I think I saw a grey hair.

So, you know I wrote a book? Right, esse? Now that we’re in jail, I’m in chats with The Weinstein Company, to remake that old Tim Robbins movie, only they are going to call it the PAIRASKANKS REDEMPTION. It’s the warm tale of Paris and Nichole in jail for DUI’s. They spend 315 days in the clink. Paris asks Nichole (whose jail name is “Rich”) for a Rita Hayworth poster, and escapes after nights of singing “Stars are Blind” into the walls. They crumble, she escapes, and no one is the wiser, until the Warden removes the poster...to reveal...I can’t do it. I can’t give away the ending, no matter how many sausages you offer me!

SIMPLER LIFE: LIVE FROM RIKER'S ISLAND

HOUR: 5 and seven minutes

E! canned the idea of P&R going forward to do The Simple Life again, and have now changed the show to the SIMPLER LIFE: Live from Riker's! "We thought we were going to be giving advice to beauty queen hopefuls, we just didn't think it was going to be from our 12X2 cells!!

Golden Years

HOUR: 5 and six minutes

A fight just broke out in the clink. Paris was bragging about how I was on SNL after I blew up her spot in the porn world. She's about to get her teeth knocked out and become someone's wife! I have to bark to the puparazzi!

Get By with a Little Help from my Friends

HOUR: 5 and five minutes, 53 seconds

Ok. I've been in jail now for 25 years. I feel like Mandela. Without the positivity.

Who can I turn to in times of irritation? Why, the patron saint of rage in the fashion industry: Naomi Campell!

I axed for her opinion and she said, "Guurrl. When the world gives you rage, make bloggerage. Look at me! I'm writing about my community service in Haarper's Bazaar. I bet you thought I couldn't even read."

I'm afraid to tell her the truth. I heard the crystals on her Blackberry hurt like a mo-fo. That's what the girl with gangrene and a crack pipe up her neverland said, anyway.